Why does Safeway hate their customers so much?

Last night I went to Safeway. I normally don't shop there, but sometimes it's the only option after 9:00 at night. In fact, there's little at Safeway that I want to buy: not its vast array of pesticide-sprayed produce, nor its dribbling packages of hormone-fed meat. However, I do have pets, and I needed supplies for them.

So there I was....and so were about 100 other people, all waiting helplessly on line for approximately three numbed-out cashiers. Then I remembered: this is how it ALWAYS is when I go to Safeway. It has about 30 checkstands, but Safeway deliberately keeps most of them closed and purposefully understaffs its stores. Instead, the burden is placed on the customers to waste the better part of their evenings while they wait on long lines like caged animals. Safeway is the anti-customer experience, a hellish glimpse of a day in the life of an apocalyptic future that I hope never materializes.

The experience is usually not complete unless, when you finally make it to the front of the line, your cashier is relieved from duty and replaced by another, who arrives -- slowly, begrudgingly -- with her own cash drawer and has to get set up by the manager, thus prolonging the agony even further. And Safeway trains their cashiers to make an effort to address you by name when they hand you the receipt, always mangling the pronunciation with great insincerity, and basically delivering the coup de grâce to yet another painful episode.

Last night I never made it to the cashier. I waited on a long line for 20 minutes, only to discover that at least 10 more people around the corner had formed a second branch of this line for the same cashier. This ensured at least another 20 minutes of waiting. Just then, a man walked by, muttering "Hell, I've been on line here so long that I thought I'd left the store already!"

That did it. I left my basket standing in the aisle and left the store. Sorry, Safeway...if you want my business, you have to treat me like a customer, not a prisoner.

How low can you go?

You've probably never visited the LowerMyBills.com website. But their ubiquitous ads most likely appear on some sites that you do visit.

A year ago, they were known for the happily dancing silhouettes...the frenzied dancers who were celebrating the fabulous mortgage rates they could enjoy without otherwise qualifying for any kind of credit in the real world.

Just think: a few months ago, this Barbie-waisted dancer was still celebrating the mythical falling interest rates that LowerMyBills could presumably offer. No doubt, this joy was supplied through subprime loans.

Then the news of the mortgage crisis began to surface. The dancing woman--and her identical best friend--decided to get out of real estate altogether and go back to school. Let's face it: mortgages were becoming a tough sell. But these dancing animations told you all you needed to know: even hardcore spammers were getting worried about the future.

But then the interest rates started dropping again--multiple times-- in an attempt to boost the US economy. LowerMyBills.com is back, but now it looks like they need to take their meds. Look at this recent ad for mortgage rates: the dancing women have been replaced by a hideous, screaming, bug-eyed zombie with a deadly spider crawling up her blouse. Sorry, but it's not very compelling! Is it supposed to be?

Just who is LowerMyBills.com? Their website says they're an Experian company. And Experian is one of the Big Three companies who maintain credit reports on every American. Do these ads make you feel comfy about letting them keep YOUR data?

Nigerian Car Warranty

You know The Call by now. It comes when you least expect it. You get it on your home phone, your mobile, and at your office. The area code doesn't look familiar, but you pick it up anyway. And then: "This is your last warning. Our records show that your vehicle's warranty is about to expire," says the prerecorded voice.

The first time I got it, I thought it was a wrong number. My car is very, very old. There's no warranty on the planet that could extend this far.

Then I kept getting The Call. It came from different numbers. I filed complaints with the Do Not Call List people, for what it's worth. I did a reverse lookup for the source numbers on the net and found the whocalled.us site. Obviously I was not alone. Many other people received the same annoying call from the same numbers, often thinking that their car's warranty HAD expired.

Most of today's annoying phone solicitors are prerecorded. They're much easier to hang up on, but annoying, all the same. This call, however, supposedly offered two options: the first, to talk to a live operator (press 1), and the second, to be taken off the phone list (press 2). I tried pressing 2, but it disconnected me.

When The Call arrived yet again on my internal office line yesterday, I decided to press 1 instead. Indeed, I got a "live operator." The phone rang and a guy picked up. "This is Jeff," he said. "May I have the make and year of your car?" And I replied, "Hi Jeff...may I have the name of your company?"

Jeff was obviously trained in dumping curious call recipients like me. No way was he going to tell me the name of his enterprise. He immediately put me on hold without saying a word, and after some music played, I heard a pre-recorded announcement about how to get on the Do Not Call list. Of course, I'm already on that list, but that's no deterrent.

This phone spam seems to be the telephone equivalent of the emailed Nigerian bank scam.

Does anyone know who these people are and what they're really after?

Just Say "Noe"

On the main drag of San Francisco's Noe Valley, occupying a prime retail location, sits a bizarre little "real estate" office that's been displaying a window full of oddly disturbing memorabilia for as long as I can remember.

I've never seen it open for business. The only real estate property actually advertised in the window is an old, hand-lettered sign for a home that sold for $37,000 -- most likely 50-60 years ago. Quite likely, this office has been locked shut for almost as long.

The proprietor, if he is still alive, is obviously some kind of fanatic. The shop functions as a broadcast center for his opinions: Ronald Reagan was a hero, the renaming of Army Street to "Cesar Chavez Boulevard" is something he'll never recover from, English should be the only language spoken, etc.

He's probably been tormented for decades: after all, he keeps a shop on an upscale street that features a large Aveda shop, a boulangerie, several clothing boutiques, several nice wine shops,and plenty of trendy and often useless ways to unload your disposable income.

But seriously...is this shop ever open? Who owns it?

Yes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video

Though I know I'm a cynic -- and it's hard not to be cynical these days -- this YouTube video really got me. It puts some of the words of Barack Obama to music.

I want this long nightmare in the USA to end...and this made me feel positive that it might. Dare to dream...

the recession that dare not speak its name

I've been reading stories every day about how we're "almost" in a recession and how the US Congress might issue checks of anywhere from $300 to $600 to eligible Americans in hopes that somehow this will resolve the problem.

I believe we're all supposed to go out and buy something new when the checks arrive. And America will be saved.

But...$300 will not buy much in 2008. I'm guessing that many people will put the money in their checking account as a buffer against bounced checks. It's simply not enough to do much else. Pity.

Meanwhile, the phone robots are very busy. They won't be getting rebate checks and they can't go shopping to save America from its destiny. But they're hard at work, and their job is to keep us from talking to other people.

A call to my credit-card company today began with a robot and ended with an attempt to sell me a more-expensive card, which I declined. Following that, a tech-support call to my ISP never connected me to a human -- they apparently had too much "call volume." Before disconnecting me, the robot informed me to seek "live" online help. The online help was most likely a robot as well, and it attempted to sell me a virus-protection program that had nothing to do with my problem.

And so ...we're in a recession. I'll keep talking to robots, and they'll continue working tirelessly so that real people don't have to. My email box will fill up with offers of mostly useless things to buy. My rebate check will arrive and fade away. The Pottery Barn down the street will probably stay in business, even though no one ever goes inside it. The war against....somebody...will continue sucking down precious funds. And in the next few months, millions of dollars will be spent on the battle for the next president. Want to put more real money into our economy? Give the candidates equal and free air time rather than wasting money on raising and spending campaign funds.

Bollyhood Cafe

Last night I met some friends at a new lounge space that's starting up in the Mission. Four longtime DJs and scenemakers have started a new, cozy space called Bollyhood Cafe on 19th Street near Mission...the cafe will feature downtempo/eastern fusion music, Bollywood movies on a big screen, things to nosh on (I had coconut chicken and roasted corn with lime sauce), good beer on tap (Chimay, microbreweries) and wine from Kermit Lynch -- all at reasonable prices. It's right next door to Baobab Cafe, so there should be an interesting back-and-forth between the two when Bollyhood really gets going.

DJ Giamma is interested in featuring live music as well as DJ mixes, so if you know some musicians who perform in this genre....

Bollyhood Cafe is at 3372 19th Street.